If You're Intrested I Have A Bridge For Sale

So I saw this site (www.neighborgoods.net) the other day on one of many “Go Green” sites I read and I’m all WTF?! The concept is that if you have something someone else wants you can post it on here and they can “borrow” it from you. I put borrow in parenthesis because my neighbor “borrows” shit all the time from us and we never see it come back and then they move away. Yeah, neighbor I totally thought when I bought that hammer that I’d never use it again so why not just give it to the next poor sap that moves in next door to me. Then someone came up with this lovely concept to do it globally. Register your stuff and rent it out for cash or just let people borrow it. There’s also an option (thought it doesn’t really say this in the sites description) that you just put your busted up junk on there to give away or sell like a virtual yard sale. But, then people are posting pictures of what the shit looks like in the store and one description was a picture of a really nice bed and it said “like picture only dented” and “you can have the mattress and mattress pad free if you’re into that”. Into what? Sleeping on someone elses already dead skin filled mattress. That mattress that slightly smells like urine and old sweat. Yeah, I’m totally into that!

I like the concept of the site “going green” and all reuse, reduce, recycle but it just looks like someone didn’t really think this whole thing through. And Casey if you’re out there and reading this I want my damn hammer back!

The Bellies Scare Me

If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m doing my own personal NaNoBloMo (missed day one and the Nazi’s over at the official site says that’s not accepted, therefore I’m not linking to them as my act of defiance) and attempting to post everyday because the whole NaNoWriMo is failure just waiting to happen. My pithy 776 word count keeps mocking me and I haven’t had a time to sit back relax and get back into story mode. Plus I’m a Procrastination Specialist. It took years of training and hands on experience but I’ve finally made Specialist classification. Next step is Professional. Which includes in it’s training “Staring into Oblivion for One Hour” as its introductory course.

I attended the lovely “Spa Party” last night and now know I have a full blown aversion to pregnant ladies. I like the ladies themselves but for some reason I don’t do the pregnant thing that all ladies seem to do. You know, once one becomes pregnant in the pack all “knowing” (ladies that have had the aliens, that’s what I call babies because they all look like aliens to me with their squishy skin and cone heads – except Great Niece Christina who was the most beautiful baby ever. This statement may or may not be slightly prejudice) ladies have some kind of advice or want to touch the bump and are all “oh when I had Billy he was….(insert gross story here)” and “just wait till your body does…(insert really disturbing picture of a body part here)”. And the belly. OMG the belly! Random people wanting to touch the belly. The belly being shown in its full glory sans shirt or covering and the MOVEMENT of the belly (throwing up a little in my mouth right here). It all just grosses me out. There were three very pregnant bellies at the party. All I could do was screech “I hope that’s not catchy, get away belly!” over and over again when they got close to me. (I really didn’t say it out loud but really loud in my head over and over again so it was just like I said it out loud and by the way the bellies moved away from me I think the screeching might have showed on my face.)

Then we all sandpapered our faces with these circular motion devices and slathered our feet with goo and applied what I can only guess was some sort of prank that made our lips look all white like we were Tyrone from the Chappelle show. Then we had to sit with peppermint coated washcloths on our faces doing some type of ancient relaxing ritual but it ended up just making it harder for me to drink my wine. I had fun and my face feels like I sanded down about 4 layers and everyone has been commenting on how my face looks all fresh (I’m taking fresh as a complement but I know it really looks all red and blotchy like I’m toting a first degree burn on there) so I’m happy with the results. And I don’t think I caught the “pregnant” but just to make sure I took double baby killers that night. Next is the “Pampered Chef Party” I hope I don’t slice a finger off.

Make the Coughing Stop

I’m doing a lot better today as long as I don’t have to say more than 10 words in a row because if I do it starts that stupid tickle in the back of my throat and I have to spend about 5 minutes alternating coughing, drinking water and popping a lozenge before it stops. And what’s irritating me even more is that Icky is sick and coughing but sounds like a braying jackass instead and it’s having the effect that yawning does and that’s just pissing me off. I’m hoping to have this infliction at least a little under control because tonight is “Spa Night” with the ladies and I don’t want to look like the infected leper at their pretty party hacking all over the appetizers (I try to think I have more class than that but when the mood strikes me I like to cough on people, this usually happens when I’m in places like Wal-Mart). My friend Rach is hosting the party and she said there’d be wine. So, of course, I told her I’d be there. I’ve never attended a “Spa Night” and don’t know what to expect but I’m sure it’ll be fun. Are there “treatments” and soaking of things? As long as there’s no plucking of things I think I might survive.